Why is that when I discover a figment of happiness, one person I genuinely care about (however new our friendship seems to be) has a major downfall and ends up not unsimilar to how I was just a week ago?
Why is it that there is not enough happiness to go around? If it is so infinite, why isn't she happy? Why is it that I had a major backstep when one of my friends is finally happy, then when I become happy again (almost), yet another friend gets crestfallen?
Sometimes I think that the world is the most unfair place to live.
I have been living in the same room since I was 6 years old. I can remember when I had to climb the shelves to get one of my stuffed animals down from the top (where Mum used to hide the ones she didn't want played with... I outsmarted her). Now it's where I hide my own stash. Lollies, fake money (don't laugh, it was part of my birthday present! I'm rich now =]), chocolate, secrets, and those funny hats I have, like the ones Katie and I got at Merriwa when we were like fourteen. I miss the days of being small and expected to be irrisponsible!
The next shelf down is where I hide my leftover alcohol from parties. Yes, I've had Cruisers, Ruskis, Smirnoff and other alcohol hidden behind my ghost costume for Drama in year 10. Other good times... Last day of year 10, the last Drama lesson, my last class with Simone. The last time I took a photo of her. RIP name theif. I love you, no matter what I said... by the way... you were wrong. I may be older but you died first. <3
Thats my ramble for the night.
Simmy xo
24 February, 2009
23 February, 2009
Today was a Good day (yes capitalised)
I feel Good. For real today.
I had a Good day.
I like that people were Good.
Good is a Good word.
That is all
Simmy xo
I had a Good day.
I like that people were Good.
Good is a Good word.
That is all
Simmy xo
22 February, 2009
My Weirdest Dream (that I remembered)
Bear in mind that this is a dream I have had (and I have no idea why!) and that none of these unbearably weird things have happened.
I was working at the local Woolworths (why? No idea) when a major storm hit. People were sent home due to the weather. I was one of them, as was Person X (like I'd name them on the net, honestly!). We walked out together and when we got to the doors to go into the carpark we hugged and said bye, but when we pulled away we looked into each others eyes and then proceeded to kiss passionately, thus closing my eyes. When I opened them, it was a scary little girl from my real workplace and she said something about it being okay and that we could work it out how to be together (which is very scary if you knew her. Very, very scary). [scene change] I hear a tap on the window. Its her. I don't want to be rude but I don't want her to know that I'd heard it. Then realised I had left window open, as she climbed into my room.
That's all I remember, as I think I woke up in a cold sweat at that point, scared shitless that it had actually happened and that I would have to explain to the girl that I was definitely not interested. Poor thing.
Simmy xo
P.S any decoding is appreciated =]
Memories
When I was younger, when Pop was alive, I remember sometimes when we would go around we would pull up while he was mowing the grass. Grandma's neighbour does it for her now, and when I go around i always have to do a double-take because I always see him as Pop the first time I look.
I miss him so much.
I feel like I'm lonely (and I'm not looking for sympathy, just agreement on this one). I don't get to go and see my grandfather anymore, not face-to-face anyway, and most of the time I can't go to see my friends because, right now, the single ones are sick, and the couples are coupling up. I wish someone would couple with me, because I feel rejected. But I suppose it is because I am picky...
One of my friends is 'confused' because she keeps hooking up with this guy that she 'doesn't have feelings for'. Bullshit. She doesn't know what the meaning of confused is. She doesn't understand what it is like to be lied to constantly, and to be told all sorts of bullshit on a regular basis. She only knows what it is like to be handed the keys to a car, to be sent to Sydney to get ahead on subjects (but she isn't allowed to tell anyone. Ha) at university conference things. I'd love to be handed money and opportunity from all angles. She doesn't know what it is like to go without. "Respect people that are taller than you!" BULLSHIT: Respect your elders, kid!
I'm having a bit of a rant here. But what's a blog for other than rants?
I'm currently reading "My Desperate Love Diary" by Liz Rettig. Brilliant writing. But I have no idea what country it's set in! Hahaha its one of them UK countries... Maybe its in Ireland? Anyway, it's my saviour right now - the character in it is like me - friends coupled up, but she's still single. Lusting after a guy she probably can't have.
Ah well, what goes around...
I'll leave this rant where it is...
Simmy xo
I miss him so much.
I feel like I'm lonely (and I'm not looking for sympathy, just agreement on this one). I don't get to go and see my grandfather anymore, not face-to-face anyway, and most of the time I can't go to see my friends because, right now, the single ones are sick, and the couples are coupling up. I wish someone would couple with me, because I feel rejected. But I suppose it is because I am picky...
One of my friends is 'confused' because she keeps hooking up with this guy that she 'doesn't have feelings for'. Bullshit. She doesn't know what the meaning of confused is. She doesn't understand what it is like to be lied to constantly, and to be told all sorts of bullshit on a regular basis. She only knows what it is like to be handed the keys to a car, to be sent to Sydney to get ahead on subjects (but she isn't allowed to tell anyone. Ha) at university conference things. I'd love to be handed money and opportunity from all angles. She doesn't know what it is like to go without. "Respect people that are taller than you!" BULLSHIT: Respect your elders, kid!
I'm having a bit of a rant here. But what's a blog for other than rants?
I'm currently reading "My Desperate Love Diary" by Liz Rettig. Brilliant writing. But I have no idea what country it's set in! Hahaha its one of them UK countries... Maybe its in Ireland? Anyway, it's my saviour right now - the character in it is like me - friends coupled up, but she's still single. Lusting after a guy she probably can't have.
Ah well, what goes around...
I'll leave this rant where it is...
Simmy xo
17 February, 2009
What the HELL?
I must be some sort of idiot or something, because now that my so-called 'best friends' have boyfriends I am getting kicked out of all activities. Just because they finally got together. Get the fuck over it. Whatever, you never even look at me anymore.
Okay I understand that I'm single, yes, but we're supposed to be friends. That means talking to me at times other than when you need a lift somewhere. Yes, I know you have 'other friends who drive you places', but I'm getting sick of only being spoken to when a lift is involved. Its not that far to walk to Maccas. Plus, it means you burn all that shit that you're gunna eat when you get there anyways.
So basically, I'm sick of being single. I've hated it most the time anyways. And it's worse when everyone around you seems to be coupling up. I just want someone to hold me when I'm not feeling great about myself, someone who will call me beautiful again. Someone who generally GIVES A SHIT.
God, I hate this
Simmy xo
Okay I understand that I'm single, yes, but we're supposed to be friends. That means talking to me at times other than when you need a lift somewhere. Yes, I know you have 'other friends who drive you places', but I'm getting sick of only being spoken to when a lift is involved. Its not that far to walk to Maccas. Plus, it means you burn all that shit that you're gunna eat when you get there anyways.
So basically, I'm sick of being single. I've hated it most the time anyways. And it's worse when everyone around you seems to be coupling up. I just want someone to hold me when I'm not feeling great about myself, someone who will call me beautiful again. Someone who generally GIVES A SHIT.
God, I hate this
Simmy xo
16 February, 2009
It's All Your Fault - Pink
I conjure up the thought of being gone
But I'd probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way
Would I be able to? And would I be afraid?
'Cause oh, I'm bleeding out inside
Oh, I don't even mind, yeah
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful
You turned me out and now I can't turn back
I hold my breath because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air and it's not fair
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da...
I'm trying to figure out what else to say (what else could I say)
To make you turn around and come back this way (to come back this way)
I feel like we could be really awesome together
So make up your mind 'cause it's now or never (oh)
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful
You turned me out and now I can't turn back
I hold my breath because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air and it's not fair
I would never pull the trigger
But I've cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you could feel as bad as I do
I have lost my mind
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful
You turned me out and now I can't turn back
I hold my breath because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air and it's not fair
I hold my breath because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air and it's not fair
I think since January last year I am a completely different person. There are so many thing I have wanted to do, and threatened to do, that I have not gone through with.
Pink captures my feelings in this song and it kinda makes me feel better. I don't know how, but I do know that I can listen to her stuff and think of people who have been through more than I have. People who have lost everything, their family, their homes, like the people in Victoria. So many people have lost their lives, their properties, their pets.
I feel better now.
Simmy xo
But I'd probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way
Would I be able to? And would I be afraid?
'Cause oh, I'm bleeding out inside
Oh, I don't even mind, yeah
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful
You turned me out and now I can't turn back
I hold my breath because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air and it's not fair
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da...
I'm trying to figure out what else to say (what else could I say)
To make you turn around and come back this way (to come back this way)
I feel like we could be really awesome together
So make up your mind 'cause it's now or never (oh)
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful
You turned me out and now I can't turn back
I hold my breath because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air and it's not fair
I would never pull the trigger
But I've cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you could feel as bad as I do
I have lost my mind
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful
You turned me out and now I can't turn back
I hold my breath because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air and it's not fair
I hold my breath because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air and it's not fair
I think since January last year I am a completely different person. There are so many thing I have wanted to do, and threatened to do, that I have not gone through with.
Pink captures my feelings in this song and it kinda makes me feel better. I don't know how, but I do know that I can listen to her stuff and think of people who have been through more than I have. People who have lost everything, their family, their homes, like the people in Victoria. So many people have lost their lives, their properties, their pets.
I feel better now.
Simmy xo
15 February, 2009
RIP Simone - 2 Months Today
Little did I know that when I read the bulletin quiz of an old friend from primary school this very evening I would be reminded of something I SHOULD NOT have forgotten. Today is two months since the passing of a friend of mine in a tragic car accident. I don't understand how it could have happened to such a special soul, and God do I miss her.
I don't know who of you have lost a friend or a loved one... but I know how hard it is. I lost two people in less than seven months. The first time I actually lost anyone.
So today is two months and I dedicate this to my beautiful angel Simone Wadsworth, aged seventeen, who lost her life at the scene where her car slammed into a tree out of town.
Losing someone is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Sure, when friends move away it's hard. But there's always the option of visits. When someone dies, you know it will be a longgg time until you see them again (and that's if you believe in an afterlife, which I do, I have to).
When Pop died on the 6th of June last year, I was miserable for so long. When it came to 8 months (just over a week ago) and i was reminded of that, I felt so shitty. Three days later I had a presentation due for English and it was about Belonging. Needless to say when the slide came up of Pop I went all mushy and ended up leaving the room, my presentation unfinished.
I know if i had put Simone in said presentation the whole room would have been out the door because everyone there knew her and loved her.
There's just something about the way that I handle these things that is different to other people, but I can't describe it, nor can I show it. It's just me I guess.
Simmy xo
I don't know who of you have lost a friend or a loved one... but I know how hard it is. I lost two people in less than seven months. The first time I actually lost anyone.
So today is two months and I dedicate this to my beautiful angel Simone Wadsworth, aged seventeen, who lost her life at the scene where her car slammed into a tree out of town.
Losing someone is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Sure, when friends move away it's hard. But there's always the option of visits. When someone dies, you know it will be a longgg time until you see them again (and that's if you believe in an afterlife, which I do, I have to).
When Pop died on the 6th of June last year, I was miserable for so long. When it came to 8 months (just over a week ago) and i was reminded of that, I felt so shitty. Three days later I had a presentation due for English and it was about Belonging. Needless to say when the slide came up of Pop I went all mushy and ended up leaving the room, my presentation unfinished.
I know if i had put Simone in said presentation the whole room would have been out the door because everyone there knew her and loved her.
There's just something about the way that I handle these things that is different to other people, but I can't describe it, nor can I show it. It's just me I guess.
Simmy xo
14 February, 2009
"St Valentines Day"
Oooohhkayy... so today is a poor excuse for a "holiday".
First of all, its RAINING! GAH! but thats not what I'm worried about.
Today is a lie. If you feel the need to say I love you today but can't be effed to say it any other day than you are a poor excuse for a human being.
Okay, so it's kinda cute for the little kids who cut out Valentines at school and give them to their friends, but in real life, if you are in a relationship, wouldn't you feel the need to say I love you more than once a year?
It's kinda stupid!
New relationship, first Valentine's Day, roses, choccies, dinner and a movie. Sure, go ahead. But by the third or forth, the guy usually gets over it and can't be stuffed spending the money. How bad does that make you feel! It's better to be ignored from the beginning than to be "gotten over" when it comes to a so-called "special day."
COMMERCIALISATION. What is St Valentine's Day but Hallmark's day to earn lots and lots of money. Too bad most people I know would rather write their partner a letter than buy a card. Sucks for you Mr Hallmark.
But seriously guys, it's VALENTINES DAY! Why not just love EVERYONE today, not just ONE person, but show your love for your friends, family and other half. Oh, and don't forget the dog.
Love, Simmy xo
First of all, its RAINING! GAH! but thats not what I'm worried about.
Today is a lie. If you feel the need to say I love you today but can't be effed to say it any other day than you are a poor excuse for a human being.
Okay, so it's kinda cute for the little kids who cut out Valentines at school and give them to their friends, but in real life, if you are in a relationship, wouldn't you feel the need to say I love you more than once a year?
It's kinda stupid!
New relationship, first Valentine's Day, roses, choccies, dinner and a movie. Sure, go ahead. But by the third or forth, the guy usually gets over it and can't be stuffed spending the money. How bad does that make you feel! It's better to be ignored from the beginning than to be "gotten over" when it comes to a so-called "special day."
COMMERCIALISATION. What is St Valentine's Day but Hallmark's day to earn lots and lots of money. Too bad most people I know would rather write their partner a letter than buy a card. Sucks for you Mr Hallmark.
But seriously guys, it's VALENTINES DAY! Why not just love EVERYONE today, not just ONE person, but show your love for your friends, family and other half. Oh, and don't forget the dog.
Love, Simmy xo
13 February, 2009
Stupid Ex's
I have TWO official Ex Boyfriends. They are both idiots. And when I say idiot, I don't mean it affectionately anymore.
Lets call them ExA and ExB (how original!)
ExA
ExA & I went out for almost four months from January in 2008. We were friends before and after our relationship. This is my story of ExA:
When I broke it off with ExA I was in the process of getting over him. He had gone out with one of my best friends before me, and two days after our break-up, he's back with her again (so was I a replacement or was she the replacement?). I spent probably two weeks where we didn't speak. I blamed her. I cried to my Daddy every night.
They broke up, like last time, spent time apart, got back togetherm, broke up, he found a new girl (ironically with the same name and nickname as me... loser) then ended up back with my friend one last time before he moved interstate. Or so everyone thought.
Little do most people whom know us know, two days before New Years, they met up and went down to one of the parks and made out (for old time's sake? ha). Silly Simmy didn't know this, and agreed to be ExA's New Years Kiss (for old time's sake. again). Luckily, Silly Simmy had a nasty emo turn around midnight thus didn't embarrass herself by making a fool out of herself in front of one particular person who knew the whole thing and was messaging said friend about the happenings of the evening. The next morning I got a message off said friend, saying she felt "cheap". Simmy put 2 and 2 together and got 4, and figured out what happened.
I waited a couple of days before I messaged ExA VERY ANGRILY mentioning that I prefer to know if there had been any fooling around in the days before these things happen. There was another person whom I'd have happily given my New Years Kiss to, but NO Simmy wasn't told. Now not only does friend feel cheap, so do I, and used, and VERY ANGRY.
It was not my friend's responsibility to tell me the happenings of the days before New Years, because she wasn't in attendence to the party, nor was she the person being kissed by serial-bad-kisser ExA. YES BAD KISSERRRRRRRR. Go to hell.
ExB
I went out with ExB from the day after Valentines Day 2008 for two months. And when I say two months, I mean to the day.
We were friends sort of before we went out, and it was a complicated relationship. Very... umm... complicated, for need of a better word. Why is it that his one ended? Because I was selfish and thought only of myself and refused to talk about the problems between the two of us. Yes I admit it.
So yes, we had our little not-talking stint, attempted to return the friendship to the previous status, failed, and thus spoke only when we ran into each other in town.
This was not a bad thing, but I did a naughty (apparently). See I didn't know it was wrong to apologise publicly for being a nasty bitch of a girlfriend in myspace quizzes. Or allude to attempted break-and-enters of my vehicle in which I was attempting to sleep at the time. Needless to say, I ended up sleeping inside (which took a while with a 747 jet engine snorer just a few feet away).
I was abused through MSN for mentioning a name in a Quiz. I was accused of slandering all over myspace. I'm sorry for not doing it? Whatever. But no, he continues to accuse me of slandering. Its not my fault my brother says you are gay. I can't control the world sweetheart!
I am told of courtesty, which I believe he knows nothing of (refer back to the break-and-enter of my car), and at the mention of aid incident I am told "we are talking about the internet, not real life."
Take this for your online slandering dickwad.
I've had enough.
Simmy xo
Lets call them ExA and ExB (how original!)
ExA
ExA & I went out for almost four months from January in 2008. We were friends before and after our relationship. This is my story of ExA:
When I broke it off with ExA I was in the process of getting over him. He had gone out with one of my best friends before me, and two days after our break-up, he's back with her again (so was I a replacement or was she the replacement?). I spent probably two weeks where we didn't speak. I blamed her. I cried to my Daddy every night.
They broke up, like last time, spent time apart, got back togetherm, broke up, he found a new girl (ironically with the same name and nickname as me... loser) then ended up back with my friend one last time before he moved interstate. Or so everyone thought.
Little do most people whom know us know, two days before New Years, they met up and went down to one of the parks and made out (for old time's sake? ha). Silly Simmy didn't know this, and agreed to be ExA's New Years Kiss (for old time's sake. again). Luckily, Silly Simmy had a nasty emo turn around midnight thus didn't embarrass herself by making a fool out of herself in front of one particular person who knew the whole thing and was messaging said friend about the happenings of the evening. The next morning I got a message off said friend, saying she felt "cheap". Simmy put 2 and 2 together and got 4, and figured out what happened.
I waited a couple of days before I messaged ExA VERY ANGRILY mentioning that I prefer to know if there had been any fooling around in the days before these things happen. There was another person whom I'd have happily given my New Years Kiss to, but NO Simmy wasn't told. Now not only does friend feel cheap, so do I, and used, and VERY ANGRY.
It was not my friend's responsibility to tell me the happenings of the days before New Years, because she wasn't in attendence to the party, nor was she the person being kissed by serial-bad-kisser ExA. YES BAD KISSERRRRRRRR. Go to hell.
ExB
I went out with ExB from the day after Valentines Day 2008 for two months. And when I say two months, I mean to the day.
We were friends sort of before we went out, and it was a complicated relationship. Very... umm... complicated, for need of a better word. Why is it that his one ended? Because I was selfish and thought only of myself and refused to talk about the problems between the two of us. Yes I admit it.
So yes, we had our little not-talking stint, attempted to return the friendship to the previous status, failed, and thus spoke only when we ran into each other in town.
This was not a bad thing, but I did a naughty (apparently). See I didn't know it was wrong to apologise publicly for being a nasty bitch of a girlfriend in myspace quizzes. Or allude to attempted break-and-enters of my vehicle in which I was attempting to sleep at the time. Needless to say, I ended up sleeping inside (which took a while with a 747 jet engine snorer just a few feet away).
I was abused through MSN for mentioning a name in a Quiz. I was accused of slandering all over myspace. I'm sorry for not doing it? Whatever. But no, he continues to accuse me of slandering. Its not my fault my brother says you are gay. I can't control the world sweetheart!
I am told of courtesty, which I believe he knows nothing of (refer back to the break-and-enter of my car), and at the mention of aid incident I am told "we are talking about the internet, not real life."
Take this for your online slandering dickwad.
I've had enough.
Simmy xo
Welcome
Okay so i have done this before... not successfully...
So this is a fresh start for a fresh year. =]
Welcome to my life:
I'm seventeen, a girl, single, and quite interested in this certain guy (as there is with most girls)...
Eleanor (blushableteen.blogspot.com) inspired me to start again when I read hers.
I have just started (well sort of...) year 12... i don't like it but i don't hate it either.
I don't know why but my religion varies from Christian to Buddhist (I have values of both). I go to a Catholic school and do Studies of Religion 2 Unit, Food Technology, Physics, Advanced Mathematics and Standard English.
My parents are together, and I have an older brother.
I don't watch a lot of television, but I do watch How I Met Your Mother and NCIS.
I listen to a variety of music, including the Used, My Chemical Romance, Secondhand Serenade, Pink, and so on and so forth.
Sometimes I might just post lyrics of a song that I'm relating toright now instead of writing my feelings.
But this is all for tonight.
Love, Simmy xo
So this is a fresh start for a fresh year. =]
Welcome to my life:
I'm seventeen, a girl, single, and quite interested in this certain guy (as there is with most girls)...
Eleanor (blushableteen.blogspot.com) inspired me to start again when I read hers.
I have just started (well sort of...) year 12... i don't like it but i don't hate it either.
I don't know why but my religion varies from Christian to Buddhist (I have values of both). I go to a Catholic school and do Studies of Religion 2 Unit, Food Technology, Physics, Advanced Mathematics and Standard English.
My parents are together, and I have an older brother.
I don't watch a lot of television, but I do watch How I Met Your Mother and NCIS.
I listen to a variety of music, including the Used, My Chemical Romance, Secondhand Serenade, Pink, and so on and so forth.
Sometimes I might just post lyrics of a song that I'm relating toright now instead of writing my feelings.
But this is all for tonight.
Love, Simmy xo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
